Great Commission Churches

January 2008

Dear Sisters,

In honor of Valentine's Day coming soon, we have an article for you about romance! Our writer, Cindy Sokoll, reminds us that the areas of romantic love and sexual intimacy are essential in building up and encouraging our men to be their best. Cindy encourages us to understand our man, to be available to him, and to communicate. Our excellent, model wife in Proverbs 31 had it right: "He will have no lack of gain. She does him good!" Proverbs 31:11, 12 (NASB).

United with you,
Sandy

Blessing Your Marriage

By Cindy Sokoll

Dear Pastors' Wives,

I have been asked to share a few thoughts with you concerning a wife's role in helping our husbands in the area of physical intimacy so that they can be all that God intends them. If you are reading this in a hurry, I would urge you to wait until you have a little more time to really consider if God has something to reveal to you through this short note.

Many of you don't know me, so I'll start with an introduction. My name is Cindy Sokoll and my husband is one of the pastors at the Great Commission church in Iowa City. We've been married for 26 years and have 5 children.

I really believe that God has blessed our physical relationship and I'd like to share a few attitudes and principles that God has used to help me understand my husband and my role in his purity and success. The role of the wife is to be a helpmate to our husbands. As we form family units through marriage, God puts pieces of the puzzle together that will be fulfilling, satisfying, and God-glorifying. Much could be and has been written about all the wonderful attributes of a properly functioning biblical marriage. Sexuality is the topic of the day!

Here are a few of the principles:

1. Men and women are not the same. (This was God's idea!)

It may seem pretty elementary, but the first thing we must keep before us is that we are not the same. We do not think the same, look the same, act the same, or relate the same. We are not motivated by the same things and we are not stimulated by the same things. Men, as designed by God, are stimulated primarily visually. When they see something they like, they also want to touch it. The female form (your body) is designed by God to be attractive to your husband.

Conclusion: He wants to look at you, and he wants to touch you. He has been designed by God, and it is a good thing. It may take time and patience to appreciate your husband's efforts to express his love and desire for you but it is well worth it.

2. We must cultivate a greater and greater appreciation for sexuality.

As wives, we are a very important part of God's plan for our husbands to live out their lives and their sexuality in a pure, righteous, God-glorifying way. Sex is a beautiful thing. We can view it as either a blessing or a curse. Our attitude and effort in this area will probably be the largest factor in our enjoyment and appreciation of this special area of our lives.

Where are you personally? I urge you to examine your own attitudes. Many women have simply wished that this whole area would just "go away." If we do not meet the needs of our husbands, there is an ever increasing likelihood that what will "go away" is our husband's purity. I love the fact that I am the object of my husband's passion and affection. Our experience has been that as our physical relationship has grown and blossomed, other areas of our relationship have benefited as well. When all the parts are healthy, the whole is healthier. Please understand, this area will not just go away!

3. We must be available sexually.

A thought that has encouraged me many times is this. My husband has many needs and desires, physical, emotional, relational. When it comes to sex, I am the only person on the planet ordained by God to meet my husband's need. What an awesome privilege and responsibility!

It is often very natural for mothers to give all of our attention to the needs of our children. We must view the sexual needs of our husbands as legitimate needs. When the basic needs of children are not met, we would call it abuse. When our husband's physical needs are not met they will be much more tempted to seek to have those needs met outside of God's intended plan. My body is not mine alone. It belongs to my husband as well.

We all experience times when we are truly so tired we are emotionally unavailable. If this is your normal response to the "look and touch" mode of your husband, you will be taking away your husbands only opportunity to have his needs met in a holy way. When we are consistently unavailable or disinterested we can also be telling our husbands that we no longer attracted to him, we no longer respect him, we no longer value our relationship with him. If this becomes a pattern, we are failing to honor our marriage vows and are creating an opportunity for sin. If you are too busy to save some of yourself for your husband, you are simply too busy!

4. We must communicate about the topic of our sexuality with our husbands.

No one needs to look like a supermodel to satisfy our husbands. After five children, an appendectomy, and 47 years of living, I know I will not compete with images and standards of our fallen world. What I have found in our relationship is that my availability and my interest in him are what truly satisfy his needs. (And mine!) We must be courageous enough to talk with our husband about what pleases each of us, what is attractive and desirable to each of us in our own intimate relationship. If we are not open and communicating, the wounds and scars will produce distance and a further lack of godly intimacy, and sexuality.

I really hope that these few short thoughts are a blessing to your life and marriage. I realize this is very short and incomplete. If this is an area that you struggle with, I urge you to seek out a godly couple who is winning in this area, and get some help and encouragement.

The role of "Wife" is indeed noble, and I hope you agree with God as He tells us that: "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:10-12 NIV

Love,
Cindy