Great Commission Churches

September 2009

Dear Sisters,

It's fall season again and a new school year has begun. But this time around, our youngest is a junior in high school, and he's the last of eight here at home. Our evenings are usually pretty quiet. So I asked a number of our pastors' wives to share with us anything that helped them in their transition to the "empty nest." Their replies revealed to me that although everyone is different in how they approach changes and challenges, these women all love and trust the Lord. Along with the excellent woman in Proverbs 31:25 they "smile at the future." I hope you enjoy and learn from their thoughts, just as I have!

In His service,

Sandy Hopler

Like it or not, we are empty-nesters and have been so for over four years.  To quote my husband, who repeated this ad nauseam to almost anyone who would listen, "Our children actually had the gall to grow up and leave us."  But I am happy to report that they are all doing well and so are Rick and I.

Two thoughts:  First, give yourself permission to grieve.  It's the end of an era.  Raising our family was a great time.  It was a lot of fun and a lot of work.  It's the end of an era.  It's okay to cry about it and you need to work through it.  Let the Lord help you.  I did better when I gave myself (and my husband) permission to grieve. "Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll -- are they not in your record?"   Psalm 56:8.  Second, move forward.  To quote some lyrics from the Alan Jackson song Remember When,

•             "Remember when we said when we turned gray

•             When children grow up and moved away

•             We won't be sad, we'll be glad

•             For all the love we've had

•             And we'll remember when."

My life is not over. There is a whole lot that God still wants to do in and through my life.  I have maturity, skills, talents, and gifts that I developed as I was raising my family, which God now is using.

From Thelma Clark (Parker, Colorado):

It's easy to think the "empty nest" stage is for the rest of our lives and that we need to come up with something kind of "permanent" that God would have us fill the time with.  However, once our children have their own families, it often coincides with our own parents or close relatives beginning to need help/care. These on top of our own husband/household/church can produce so many needs for us to help meet that it's almost more demanding than when all of our kids were under our roofs, because they're all different and in different places.  Whenever a woman reaches the "empty nest" stage, I would encourage her to visualize this stage possibly ahead for her.  And whatever she does--keep growing in the Lord and in faith, getting strengthened for the sprint coming.  

I think of what Elizabeth Elliot said: "God made us all to be mothers whether we ever have children or not."  The world needs mothering (care, love, training, serving, reaching)...and we rub shoulders with those who need our care everywhere.

From Karen Haring (Morgantown, West Virginia):                                                                   

So much of my life the past few years seems to be about "letting go." I find myself thinking often, "let go and let God."  I guess I have found that thought comforting and faith-building as I have seen two go off to college, and this fall sent my last two home-schoolers to public school. When I look at my life closely, there is so much that I want to be in control of.  It helps me to grow closer to God by knowing that I can fully trust Him and let go to let Him have His way-in my kids' lives, and in mine.

One other thing that has really helped me is to think back on the good things my parents did with me. They trusted me, let go of me, and prayed much for me. This encourages me when I realize these steps helped me, as their child, to grow in God. I want to do the same for my children, and allow them to make their own decisions and mistakes.

From Louise Martin (Columbus, Ohio):

Although not quite empty yet, my nest has cleared out to a great extent. Three of our four children live away from home, which leaves my sophomore son home alone with the "old folks."  Even though we've been steadily sending kids off for a few years now, I found this fall brought the biggest changes in my role as a mom. I find that I am more attentive to the needs of my remaining son than I have ever been. He won't admit it, but I think he is experiencing the "empty nest" more than I am.  His whole life he has had a brother to wrestle with or a sister who wanted to cuddle with him. In particular, this year he has lost his basketball/video game/baseball brother, and what he's been left with, at least until Dad gets home, is this gray-haired middle-aged lady!

What have I done to meet his needs? Well, I have picked up the ping-pong paddle after years of disuse. I plop on the couch when he's studying or watching TV and just do what I'm doing near him. Instead of assigning the chores and managing/inspecting as I've always done, I do chores alongside him.  I try to say "Yes" to going places he wants to go. All throughout my parenting I have remembered when Jacob returned from being with Laban. He didn't rush ahead with Esau, but traveled at the pace of his children. (Gen 33:14). This has helped me to be content when I could not do things that others were doing. Now I see I have to pick up the pace to keep up with the "bird" I have left.

From Jan Gordon (Gainesville, Florida):

We have really tried to be in fairly close contact with our kids as they have left the nest.  My husband has done Skype with our four boys once a week, though we need to re-establish this since new fall schedules.

Matt's family has been an amazing example of calling us often throughout our married lives, and it has been such a blessing knowing they are watching our back and, in a lot of ways, keeping us accountable (though they wouldn't have thought of it that way, I don't think).  We want to try to do the same. Matt is also planning a once a year get away with the boys to connect

In my talks with the older boys, I let them know that I will be asking what they are learning in their quiet times and I want to share mine.  One thing we have been encouraging is, that as many as can, to do the same quiet time plan.  We do this with the ones at home and, one day a week, we discuss what we are getting out of it. (We are taking notes, doing outlines, and writing challenge verses with practicals, etc).  At least one of our older boys has joined us. I would love to get us all on the plan. 

We pray daily for each young man out of the house. Our goal is to let them know we are on the same team accomplishing the same purpose, just in different locations. This has helped me "not miss" them quite as much.

From Barbara Wilson (Raleigh, North Carolina):

As far as empty nesting goes - I am feeling a bit guilty that I am enjoying it so much. Our youngest son, James, is the only one left at home.  He is a senior in high school, so he is busy with the church and school activities that he is involved in.  So, I am thoroughly enjoying the time I am able to give to Berk and the church.  Since none of our sons are playing high school football, I am able to attend weekend retreats now whereas I have not been able to for the past 5 years.  We had a beach retreat this past weekend that I attended. Berk is speaking in Daytona Beach at the Gator Christian Life retreat and I am able to go along.  I am also partnering with another sister in our church to work on getting a small women's ministry going.

All of our young men (used to be boys) are doing very well where they are and we keep in touch with them regularly via cell phone, so I don't feel like I am going through any type of mourning because they are not here.  I guess we always knew that they would grow up and leave home, so we're not thrown off by that. I also walk by bedrooms and enjoy that the beds are made just like they were the day before, and there are no dirty clothes on the floor.  (I have to make sure that neatness does not become an idol in my life, but I have lived with mild clutter for so long I like things being neat).

When you have lots of kids who are involved in lots of things, it certainly makes for a very hectic schedule.  So, I am enjoying a more relaxed time in our lives.

From Beth Sebek (Columbia, Maryland):

I was thinking of the stages of releasing the arrows that God has given us, or giving them wings to fly. We've seen kids go to school, marriages, moving out, new jobs, grandkids and some come back for round two; all come through our home.  An acrostic came to mind when thinking of this. The result of our labor of early years brings a HARVEST of change for new growth and fruit. Think of your own verses you would apply to these. 

H- Hug the memories- Ps. 143:5-6- I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. (Take the moments to remember and savor).

A- Adjust to the changing tides- Eph. 1:16- I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. (Allow change).

R- Release to new journeys- Ps. 118:24- This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. (We can safely let go into our Father's hands). 

V- Value the moments- Philippians 2:13- For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. (Look for opportunities to empower).

E- Explore the possibilities- Eph. 4:7- But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. (See what new things God would have for you).

S- Step out on the water- Eph. 3:20- Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. (Obey what He shows you today).

T- Trust in God's unfailing love- Ps. 16:8- I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. (My value comes in Christ alone, not what I do).