Great Commission Churches

May 2003

 Dear Sisters,

We women tend to evaluate ourselves way too much. Especially in America, it’s all about looking good---and we’re checking out the magazines and the malls. We’re relational---and then worry whether our friends truly accept us. On the job, we wonder if our work measures up with the boss. Throw motherhood into this mix, and a woman finds herself asking, “And how in the world do I know if I’m being a good mother?” This month Carol Young takes a look at evaluating our mothering. What criteria should we use to determine if we are raising our children in a way that honors God?

Carol speaks to us about comparing ourselves---not to other women, not to the world’s standards, but to Jesus Christ’s wonderful life. (This is a great relief to me personally, because I have a friend who was Mother of the Year in her Ohio county!) We can mother only as well as we are filled with God’s Spirit, and following Him! I pray we all look to Him for our standard.

In Him,

Sandy

The Rating Game

by Carol Young, Clemson Community Church

Every Mother’s Day, we focus on the work and contribution of mothers, but most of us who are mothers examine our efforts on a much more frequent basis. How many times have you and I asked ourselves the ambiguous question, “Am I a good mother?” The laughable part is that I personally have little idea of what the proverbial “good mother” is supposed to be! Ask anyone about their concept of a good mother and you will get a wide variety of answers. One of the most widespread images is of a smiling mother (who, of course, never raises her voice) handing out freshly baked cookies. Please, tell me that God has a more meaningful intent than for me to calmly distribute discs of fat and sugar-laden chocolate!

Those of us who are Christians understand that children are a gift from the Lord. We have a general idea that we want our children to love and serve God, and that we have a role of great influence towards that end. It is completely understandable that we wish for some criteria to tell us if we are doing the job in a way that honors God.

In seeking a method of evaluation, I’ve tried several ways to judge my performance as a mother. Some of the criteria by which I’ve gauged myself include the “how my mother raised me,” the “how other mothers in my church raise children,” and the “how Dr. James Dobson suggests” yardsticks. These have all been helpful and stimulating to my thinking. But, while thinking, I’ve also discovered that there is a drawback. The danger is that it all deteriorates into seeking a formula to make good children! The reality is that I have a stewardship to raise an individual human being made in the likeness of God, not a prize pig for the county fair.

I’ve also used comparison as a method of evaluation, both consciously and unconsciously. Do my children seem as polite, smart, healthy, self-controlled, generous, or _________ (insert your favorite) as the children next door or the children at church? Comparison is one of the favorite foibles of women and it brings many a woe. Woe to my children if they do not measure up, because now I will apply pressure to bring them up to par. Woe to me if my children seem “better” in comparison, because that encourages smugness in my life – one of the last things I need more of!

In my search for some sort of standard for mothers, I’ve concluded that what I really need is a bigger perspective and a better question. Being someone’s mother is not the sum total of my life – being Christ’s child is! So, considering all the facets of my life, what does Jesus want my life to look like?

Like Him! He desires that “Christ be completely and permanently formed” in me (Gal. 4:19) because “He is the exact representation of His (Father’s) nature” (Hebrews 1:3). It’s not about the job I’m doing as a mom; it’s about responding to the process that God is using to form Christ within me. This bigger perspective releases me from congratulating myself or condemning myself based on my child’s behavior. This is so important when the hard times come. When a child is really troubled, how can you minister to their need if you are blaming yourself or shutting down over what a failure you are as a mother? Instead, we can put our ego aside, tough as that is, and seek to represent Christ to our children, because their ups and downs are also part of God’s process for us.

This bigger perspective also leads us to a better question, such as, “In the role of motherhood, how am I doing at becoming like Christ and representing Him to my children?” Unlike the vague question about being a good mother, this question helps me determine if I’ve been sarcastic and need to seek forgiveness, if my own cold heart towards God is showing up as callousness toward a child’s needs, or if anger and embarrassment created punishment without regard for restoration. It helps me ask further questions, such as, “Have I delayed answering the voice of God’s Spirit about a need or sin in my child’s life?” or “Do I habitually give my “best” energy to tasks or other people and give my children the crumbs?” Though the answers to these questions are sometimes uncomfortable, they afford me the opportunity to redeem my actions through confession and forgiveness. Then I can move forward in a better direction.

Maintaining a bigger perspective on mothering is a learning process. There are many distractions along the way, and I only succeed a fraction of the time. Still, it’s been a joy to cast off the folly of the false measures of motherhood and focus on representing the nature of Christ to my children.