Great Commission Churches

October 2011

Dear Sisters,

This month we are discussing the "empty-nest" phase of life. When our children grow and leave the home, it can be a soul-searching time. In the following articles, several wives share their experiences and thoughts on how to get through this transition with faith, joy, and a greater understanding of who we are in Christ.

Although for some of you this topic seems light-years away from your present mothering experience, I trust that this will be a blessing to everyone. I read a book on the empty nest two years before I sent off my last child to college. At that time it didn't affect me much one way or another. I thought, "What's the big deal?" Now that Paul, our youngest of eight, has moved in with his two older brothers nearer to campus, I really "get" what the big deal is all about!

I hope you find grace and encouragement here whenever you find yourself in your own empty-nest "time of need."

Much grace to you,

Sandy Hopler

What has helped you in your transition into the "empty-nest" phase of life?

I officially "retired" a year ago this fall. Our youngest son of seven graduated and enrolled in community college, so this seasoned "home-school marm" put away the books, red pens, calculator, and school supplies, and shut her school room closet for nine months. I needed time to let life settle before truly cleaning things out.

I didn't rush out and jump into dozens of new activities or land a part-time job. Instead, I opted to relax and catch my breath after over thirty years of managing a crew of kids. Even though I had been slowly transitioning as each of our children grew up and left home, it was still kind of like grieving. I didn't want to make any major changes after the "loss" of my long-held position of "mother in residence."

What I DID do was seek the Lord. I tried to spend longer times alone with Him, soaking up the Word, praying about all of my GROWN kids and grandkids and my dear husband, and seeking His direction for my future days.

As the months passed, God confirmed what I long suspected. Empty nest years offer amazing opportunities to explore and expand what God has already "hinted at" during those busy and consuming years of mothering. For me it has proven to be a beautiful and natural transition, as many of those interests and serving areas that I've dabbled in for years are developing into passionate and effective areas of ministry.

Most importantly, I have seen that the main priorities of my life haven't changed. Partnering with my husband has never been so fun. Entertaining in our home, reaching out to neighbors, doing projects, and serving together in our church's care ministry are all things I have done for years with Dave, but I now have more time to devote myself to them and with God's help, hone my skills.

Caring for my kids continues, just in different scenarios. Because I don't have a job, I am more available to visit and serve them, babysit grandkids, help them with projects, and even attend the births of my grandchildren!

As you can see, empty-nesting hasn't been so much a major shift or change, abruptly changing course in my life. Rather it has been just an ever-deepening, joyful continuum of what I've given my life to the past many years: loving and serving my King, my husband, my family, and my church.

---Dawn Bovenmyer

So much of what a wife can give herself to when her time is freed up from raising children depends largely on her individual gifting, but also her husband's desires for how she should devote her time. This can vary couple to couple. Some women may want to finish their degree now that they have more time, or take on a long-desired hobby. The Lord may open up foreign mission work opportunities for the husband and wife together. But it's important for a wife to keep a strong role in the home, and to have the husband's approval of her desires and plans.

My own husband wanted me to be less a partner in his work as much as a "refuge" in the home where he could be eager to come for rest from work. Therefore I was now more available, for example, when Herschel wanted to bring guests into our home with very little notice. I was a help to him in his work in a local university church, when I used my gifts and experience to volunteer-teach cooking classes to Korean students, helping them with their English and sharing the gospel with them. We enjoyed having three young men who were growing in the Lord living with us at one time. I felt like a mother to so many of these young people we became involved with after our own children were grown and living away from us.

Now in our 80's, Herschel and I are very near our own family again, living with them in fact. I have been able to help our children with their families, even to help home-school some grandchildren! Our children still seek out and value our input. Your own influence with your children will certainly continue. You never stop being a mother!

 ---Mardean Martindale

"Empty-nesters"-WOW-never thought we would be there!

So, when we were young and had a couple of kids, Pat asked me if we could go on dates and not talk about the kids. I looked at him like he was crazy because I felt the children would be our life-ALWAYS! It was so difficult! Well, thirty years later, we are together and have a history of investing in our younger years, cultivating a friendship and romance that brought us to this point of embracing and celebrating US!

Don't hear me say, "We couldn't wait for our kids to be gone." But the truth is, they grow up and move on in their lives and we take a support role. Yet Pat and I still remain together. I am SO thankful Pat had the "look ahead " vision for our relationship, to ask us to be intentional about being a couple even in the midst of raising our wonderful children.

Jesus always kept His passion for His church. If my marriage is to be a picture of Christ and the church, then my attention should be devoted to being passionately in love with the man with whom God has blessed me.

---Cindy Sokoll

A few years ago, when I realized I was approaching the "empty-nest" years, I started praying that the Lord would prepare me for this new phase of life. I was beginning to look forward to doing some of the things that I had been putting off doing all the years when I was busy with the kids. There would be lots of opportunities ahead, but God began revealing to me that I had many fears about the future.  

First of all, I knew that my husband Tom, a campus preacher, was hoping that I would travel with him more. I had some fears related to that.  It has definitely been out of my comfort zone to travel, and I had to confront my fear of witnessing, of being around people I don't know very well, and my fear of not living up to others' expectations. 

Secondly, I realized that over the years, I had tended to use my kids as an excuse for not doing things that felt uncomfortable. I found that my home was becoming a retreat where I could "be safe." Living in fear is not the way God would want anyone to live. Fear keeps us from blessing others and loving others. 

I pictured Jesus standing at an open door, and waiting for me to walk through it - away from all these fears.  And I remember actually telling Him, "Lord, if You take my hand and walk with me through this door, I will." As I began to trust Him with these fears, I started changing.  I began reaching out to my neighbors more, traveling a little more with Tom, and letting God love others through me. 

I'll give you an example of how God began working in me.  One morning soon after this, I saw my next-door neighbor outside, cleaning off her driveway.  Instead of staying inside my house, looking out and wondering about her, I initiated.  I told her that I thought it was nice that she could take the day off work, but she said that she had been let go.   After listening to her and seeing that she was upset, I asked if I could pray for her. She later told me that she expected me to just go home and pray, and it surprised her when I asked if I could pray for her right then.  So right there in her driveway I prayed for her, and then we talked a little further.  It was such a simple thing, but it meant so much to her.  We began praying together daily after that, and then we started reading the Bible together regularly.  We have become close friends, and I have seen the Lord touch her heart and meet some very deep needs in her life. She has been so appreciative - God showed me that a very simple act of kindness can have such a tremendous effect on someone. What did it take?  For me, it was walking with Jesus "through that door" and away from my fears.  By the way, I have since volunteered to be the official "greeter" for our neighborhood association! 

God wanted to set me free to serve Him in these empty-nest years, and as I continue to walk with Him, I find that He is opening up lots of opportunities to love, serve and witness! I can honestly say that I am "smiling at the future."  And I hope that in the years ahead, as it says in Psalm 92:14, "even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green!"

---Roz Short