Great Commission Churches

March 2002

 Dear sisters,

This month we address a sensitive issue. What can help us handle the distress of having people leave our churches? As much as I love being a pastor’s wife, I also have to admit that being “one flesh” with the pastor leaves me vulnerable to feelings of rejection, anger, or failure when people leave our church. A parting of the ways between church members may be one of the hardest aspects of ministry.

In the following article, Sandy Hopler draws helpful insights from the Apostle Paul’s response to being left by his friends. Paul didn’t deny that he had relational needs; neither did he dwell on the unfortunate situation. He demonstrates a pattern of pressing on that will sustain us in similar circumstances.

Love and grace,

Carol Young

When People Leave Your Church

by Sandy Hopler, New Song Community Church, Reynoldsburg, Ohio

Hanging up the phone that afternoon, I noticed a pattern. I had talked with three different pastor’s wives in separate cities. Each wife was dealing with the impact of a failed church-related relationship. Either an individual or family had left the church, or the wife had suffered a loss of trust in a person who had been a significant support to her. And now each wife was struggling and hurting.

Im sure this is familiar territory for all of us. Every church experiences people leaving and the broken relationships that result from it. So how should a pastor’s wife handle it?

The apostle Paul gives us great advice in the book of Second Timothy. He was no stranger to losing supporters. He told Timothy, “All who are in Asia turned away from me no one supported me, but all deserted me.” (1:15, 4:16). So what can we glean from how Paul handled this pastors worst-case scenario?

Initiate and connect with a long-standing, loyal friend from another city. Paul connected with Timothy whom he considered to be his son (1:2-5). In her book, Women Connecting with Women, Verna Birkey speaks of the importance Scripture places on nourishing relationships. Paul was not selfish to seek comfort from Timothy. Connecting with others “with skin on” is being responsible with our relational needs. Sometimes this is needed so that we can speak to our husbands in a way that will build them up, instead of requiring them to hold up the shield of faith alone.

Focus on those who have stayed. Rather than being preoccupied with those who have departed, Paul bragged about Onesiphorus who refreshed and nourished him in that hard time (1:16-18). Take time to enjoy and appreciate those in your church who have linked their lives with yours.

Keep your eye on the mission. Paul saw his suffering as part of God’s plan to give the good news of Jesus Christ to a lost world (2:10). We wives can be praying that our faith will be increased, to believe the Lord uses even hurtful events to proclaim His glory. After all, didn’t someone once say that sometimes churches grow by addition sometimes by subtraction? J

Refrain from evaluating those who leave or hurt you. Paul admitted that only the Lord “knows those who are His” (2:19). In like manner, instead of judging the person who has left, entrust that person to God.

Keep from entering into controversy about the related issues. The natural desire is to defend our husbands, leading to conflict and strife. In contrast, Paul urged a kind, patient, and gentle approach to avoid conflict (2:23-25).

Maintain your eternal hope. Paul looked to Heaven: “In the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness” (4:8). I have a dear friend whose attitude about change and challenges is it’s going to be better than before! Hope is so important!

Look to the deeper relationship with God. Paul says, “The Lord stood with me and strengthened me”” (4:17). Having faith in God enables me to trust people again.

Finally, I appreciate the counsel given by Verna Birkey: You’re tempted to create distance” I encourage you to be willing to be hurt again. Choose to embrace the hurt and pain. Don’t give up. You need others and others need you.”